Upper 6. Mistakes or lessons to be learnt
I have very mixed feelings about my last year in school. I look at it from the perspective of various psychological sciences and theories that I know of and find it hard to analyse what was happening back then. But I think what is important right now is to share what I was feeling back then, explain why I was acting the way I was acting. In return, I would much appreciate opinions and explanations of everyone who was around me at that time.
Liverpool College started for me in Lower 6. I spent that year with Maris who I became really close to. Apart from that, I remember loneliness. I remember those Saturday nights in a very small room in front of a telly, feeling miserable sitting on the floor all alone. Maris would be out with Glenn then Amit, I had no friends outside school. In my spare time I had nowhere to go apart from the library to stare at the window or in front of a telly (before 11, we weren’t allowed to watch much of it). Only a few people were talking to me at school…. I am not blaming anyone, I myself was thinking back then “if I were a bloke, I wouldn’t talk to me, I would prefer to chat to Maris, she is a beautiful one. Blokes prefer blonds”. This is just how low self esteem I had at the time.
That year happened so that when I came back for U6, I told myself I will start talking to people myself. And then a miracle has happened. I had the exact opposite situation – I had lots and lots of people around me. Everyone was different, interesting, exiting to me. I was loving having so many people around and chatting to everyone about their interests, their thoughts, life and etc. That was a year when I felt how great it is to be open to people, how interesting people can be, how wonderful friendships are. I felt back then as if I could feel people’s individuality, I liked everyone for who they were. Maybe that is why I became strongly emotionally connected to many people.
Life is yin and yang. As many things first go straight up, there is a point when it all goes down. I started noticing that some of my friends (who were all guys, don’t know why but I haven’t found close friends among girls in Liverpool College) kinda come to see me more often and more and more frequent. I didn’t mind that but then gossips started coming to me that somebody fancies me and etc. I wasn’t accepting that any of my friends could fancy me and kept blocking those ideas in my mind. Why?
Many reasons….. First of all, how would you feel if somebody came over to you and said that one of your female friends fancies you, and then another friend, and then another one? Would you believe it? Would you believe that so many girls can fancy you at ones???? I didn’t think it was possible and didn’t believe it. I was only seeing everyone as a friend and when at times I thought it could be possible that some of my friends were fancy me, I was realising that something was wrong, but I didn’t know what it was. Was there something wrong with me, with them, with LOVE? I didn’t know. I was only thinking that on the positive side, I wasn’t lonely as I still had fresh memories of loneliness and it was great to have people around me.
Of course, I was a young girl and wanted crazy things like kisses and hugs too. I cant remember how I started seeing Rob Fordie but very soon we broke up and my main reason behind it was that I thought if I get a boyfriend, my friends would lose interest in me and I would become lonely again. In the same way that is exactly why I haven’t told everyone around me that I was seeing Lorrie (a Cypriot guy I was seeing sometimes during a first half of my 1st year in uni. I didn’t want a relationship, I just wanted to have somebody around me. We split up after eight months when realised we were getting too close and he was in Cyprus whilst I had to finish uni). It is not sensible [not being honest with people because I was scared to lose them] in whatever way possible but I am sharing how I was feeling back then, not now. Like anybody else, I was insecure and messed up in some emotions…..As a result - I admit - I wasn’t always honest with everyone and have sometimes acted selfishly, stupidly and etc. I realise now how much pain I have caused to some people…..I am sorry.
I have equally valued my friendships with various people. Back then I have equally valued spending time with Dave as with Princo (now Yale). There were confrontations as some of my friends weren’t getting alone with each other. It required a great deal of diplomacy to get some conflicts sorted. Ironically my motto at that time was:
“You can please a part of people at some times, you can please another part of people at other times, but you can never please both parts of people at all times”.
Trying to keep everybody happy, maybe sometimes forgetting about my personal interest and suddenly acting overly selfish, that’s who I think I was back then.
Those friendships meant lots for me! I liked Dave’s cutest drawing during Maths lessons, going swimming with Bunger, looking at Princo licking off his tie cause it had an old ketchup stain on it, talking to Lawson how much of a stylish bum he was, even Luke McGuire was opening up to me and telling me about his life. It was wonderful!
Some of my friends were doing lots for me and in return I have tried to give as much back. On a down side (I am not saying it was the case but it appeared so) it seemed back then that guys around me either wanted to become my boyfriends (which was wonderful but I couldn’t be with everyone at the same time) or maybe some just wanted to get into my underwear or maybe just wanted nothing and I was just big-headed. But ironically there was nobody back then who came over and clearly stated “hey, I don’t want to be your boyfriend plus I don’t to **** you. Let’s just be friends” and not expect anything more then that.
Yes, I have done crazy things. Yes, I was maybe overly flirty sometimes. Maybe I appeared to be overly flirty too many times. Ask yourself, what would you have done if you were in my situation? Young and all alone in a foreign country, surrounded by many *girls in your case, with many of them maybe fancying you?
I know what I have done was the best I could do at that time and at that point of my both mental and spiritual development. I don’t have any regrets.
Well, if you want to judge me for whatever I have done and for the way I have hurt people, I want to tell you that life is the best judge. I myself have fallen in love with a guy who has never told me he loved me and who one day just said: “I think we should split up. I don’t see you as a partner of my future life and, btw, I have met somebody else who I would like to get to know more”. I have given him all love and care I was preparing for my special guy and I was told I am free to do whatever. Plus I was kicked out from my stability and was put back to where I have started 6 years ago (I mean my split up has happened not long before I was asked to leave UK voluntarily). I am now building a new life, I no longer make plans for more then the next day and I am single and haven’t met my half yet. So you see – life is the best judge.
For whatever has happened – I can say that I have learnt my lessons. I am a much stronger and definitely a more honest person. I have to learn lots more in life. And maybe, if I am a good student of my past mistakes, I would meet this Mr Right.
I know many of the people whom I maybe I have hurt in the past are now very happy. Many are either married or are called with this word I cant spell – fiancés. I am very happy for you all. Life has kept its balance. I wish you lots and lots of love in your hearts for your halfs and be happy! I still love you all and just hope we still remain friends despite this distance. xxxxx
posted by :-> @ 6:43 PM
2 Comments:
Hi, girl,
Don't be too strick to yourself. Past is past, just let go of it. You didn't hurt anyone, everyone still love you and suround you. Sure your Mr.Right will appear soon. Be patient! He's around the corner. Smile be happy
Your late teenage years are the most difficult parts of growing up. Your personality and mind is still developing and so much is in turmoil, and lets be honest so are all your friends/classmates. Everyone went through bad times and good times over those years, its all part of growing up. For goodness sake you were alone by yourself in a foreign country, first time. No one in their right mind would hold it against a teenage girl for enjoying some attention. On top of that you had a world of responsibility thrown on your doorstep during the final years of adolescence - come on now its not like you went out and got pregnant.
Seriously don't judge yourself too harshly there was never any need to. You have nothing to apologise about (except that time one you just added salt to my pudding in school for a laugh that really pissed me off). On the other hand try not to judge others from that time too harshly as well everyone was going through a lot.
I really don't want to sound like a tv chat show host, but I can't help but wonder who do you feel you have to apologise or explain yourself to? Why has this come up now?
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